2008 NFL Mock Criminal Draft

I love watching the NFL draft, I watch it every year. But one thing I notice is that the announcers are always talking about the players "character issues" and how it negatively effects when and where they get picked. I say fuck it, lets have character issues help the player. If every team had to pick players from the past and present based on the stupid shit they have done, I think this is how it might go.

Pick #1 Miami Dolphins- Pacman Jones CB West Virginia University

The Dolphins need a lot of help so they could really get anyone but when it comes to criminals Pacman is your man. Assault and felony vandalism stemming from a nightclub altercation, he spit on women on two different occasions, felony and misdemeanor obstruction of justice charges for an incident outside a home, and marijuana possession (dismissed but you and I know he was holdin’). Most recently (and most importantly) was sought by police for questioning after a shooting at an Las Vegas strip club after "making it rain" on the strippers he got mad that they tried to keep the money graciously threw at their twats. After getting thrown out for trying to get his money back he had one of his homies come back to the club and fire into it hitting 3 people, paralyzing one of the security. Jones will make it rain on dem’ Miami hoes.

Smell Yo Dick

I have to be completely honest with you - it is impossible for me to accurately describe the awesomeness that is this video from rapper Riskay.  Don't get me wrong, I can throw out a lot of adjectives to describe this video but none of them would do it justice.  It's just something you have to watch for yourself. OMG, that is so awesome. Not only is it entertaining but educational(and a nice commercial for the iPhone). Ladies, if you think your man is cheating then smell that dick. My wife smells my cock after every time I go out just to make sure I'm staying honest.

Smell Yo Dick

I have to be completely honest with you - it is impossible for me to accurately describe the awesomeness that is this video from rapper Riskay.  Don't get me wrong, I can throw out a lot of adjectives to describe this video but none of them would do it justice.  It's just something you have to watch for yourself. OMG, that is so awesome. Not only is it entertaining but educational(and a nice commercial for the iPhone). Ladies, if you think your man is cheating then smell that dick. My wife smells my cock after every time I go out just to make sure I'm staying honest.

I Love This Game

It's playoff time in the NBA and I couldn't be happier. I wasn't much of a jock in high school and other than basketball I don't really watch sports. This NBA season has been particularly exciting; I don't think I can remember the last time so many teams had a legitimate chance of winning it all. I'm not sure of it is the level of competition this year or something else but this season has awoken something inside of me. I'm sure that you'll probably read about this tomorrow in the sports section of every major news publication but I thought I'd break the news here first. I've been putting off this decision for a while now but I think the time is right for me to announce my entrance in this years NBA draft.

I Love This Game

It's playoff time in the NBA and I couldn't be happier. I wasn't much of a jock in high school and other than basketball I don't really watch sports. This NBA season has been particularly exciting; I don't think I can remember the last time so many teams had a legitimate chance of winning it all. I'm not sure of it is the level of competition this year or something else but this season has awoken something inside of me. I'm sure that you'll probably read about this tomorrow in the sports section of every major news publication but I thought I'd break the news here first. I've been putting off this decision for a while now but I think the time is right for me to announce my entrance in this years NBA draft.

Murder She Wrote...LIVE!

In what I can only describe as one of the oddest murder mysteries I have ever heard of, two crazy old bitches in California (insert "only in California" joke here) killed a couple of homeless guys to collect the insurance money. You might ask yourself "self, why would homeless guys have life insurance?" and if you just did you are a fucking moron because they didn't. The crazy old bitches took out over TWENTY policies on them for almost THREE MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS claiming to be their siblings and or finances.

Murder She Wrote...LIVE!

In what I can only describe as one of the oddest murder mysteries I have ever heard of, two crazy old bitches in California (insert "only in California" joke here) killed a couple of homeless guys to collect the insurance money. You might ask yourself "self, why would homeless guys have life insurance?" and if you just did you are a fucking moron because they didn't. The crazy old bitches took out over TWENTY policies on them for almost THREE MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS claiming to be their siblings and or finances.

Josh Ritter (not the son of Jack Tripper...I checked)

In my never ending endeavor to write a good review of something that I like without coming across as a total sac of douche I will again attempt to tell you Fungdarkians about this hombre' from my home state of Idaho (let's get the "ho" jokes out of the way now, "Idaho?... No!... You da ho!") going by the name Josh Ritter. Now I have only recently come across Mr. Ritter in the last couple of weeks but over the last couple of weeks I have been listening to him more often than not. His newest album The Historical Conquests Of Josh Ritter that came out all the way back in Aug of 07 is a much more upbeat record than Animal Years from 2006 so you should really check out both to get a full sense of the range you can extract from said records.

Josh Ritter (not the son of Jack Tripper...I checked)

In my never ending endeavor to write a good review of something that I like without coming across as a total sac of douche I will again attempt to tell you Fungdarkians about this hombre' from my home state of Idaho (let's get the "ho" jokes out of the way now, "Idaho?... No!... You da ho!") going by the name Josh Ritter. Now I have only recently come across Mr. Ritter in the last couple of weeks but over the last couple of weeks I have been listening to him more often than not. His newest album The Historical Conquests Of Josh Ritter that came out all the way back in Aug of 07 is a much more upbeat record than Animal Years from 2006 so you should really check out both to get a full sense of the range you can extract from said records.

Mister Lonely

Harmony Korine has fucked with my head on more than one occasion. You may know Korine as one of the writers of Kids and the director of Gummo. I consider Kids to be one of the most raw and disturbing films I've ever seen and don't even get me started on Gummo. I still have therapy to deal with some of the fucked up imagery that that movie has burned into my psyche. Harmony Korine has done a couple of other projects since but in an effort to keep my therapy bills as low as I can I've decided to put as much distance as I can between myself and that twisted fucker. Thanks to a recent post over at Gorilla vs. Bear I've come across Korine's latest movie, Mister Lonely, which still looks odd but in a good way. Too be totally honest this movie looks really good. I've watched the following trailer about a hundred times since I first came across it. Fucked up, right? Yeah, I think so too but I can't wait to see this movie.

Mister Lonely

Harmony Korine has fucked with my head on more than one occasion. You may know Korine as one of the writers of Kids and the director of Gummo. I consider Kids to be one of the most raw and disturbing films I've ever seen and don't even get me started on Gummo. I still have therapy to deal with some of the fucked up imagery that that movie has burned into my psyche. Harmony Korine has done a couple of other projects since but in an effort to keep my therapy bills as low as I can I've decided to put as much distance as I can between myself and that twisted fucker. Thanks to a recent post over at Gorilla vs. Bear I've come across Korine's latest movie, Mister Lonely, which still looks odd but in a good way. Too be totally honest this movie looks really good. I've watched the following trailer about a hundred times since I first came across it. Fucked up, right? Yeah, I think so too but I can't wait to see this movie.

London Calling

Somebody once told me, "Harry Potter?  That shit's for nerds."  She was a bitch. I've never read any of the Harry Potter books; I've always been a little intimidated by their size and having a pretty bad case of ADD doesn't help.  When fellow FungDarker, Shawn, mentioned at dinner the other night that he'd gone through all of the Harry Potter series on audio book I thought this would be my best bet of ever "reading" the actual books.  It's cool to see what was left out of the big screen adaptations and I can now say that the books are far superior to the movies.  I've still got a few books left to go but I'm powering through those now. Yep, lately it's been Harry Potter morning, noon and night.  Which I've enjoyed but my wife hasn't been as happy with my Potter "obsession". I don't know what her fucking problem is.  I'll admit that I've been a little obsessive with the Harry Potter books but that's just because they're so fucking good and I'm anxious to finish.  But my wife thinks that I'm beginning to go a little overboard.

London Calling

Somebody once told me, "Harry Potter?  That shit's for nerds."  She was a bitch. I've never read any of the Harry Potter books; I've always been a little intimidated by their size and having a pretty bad case of ADD doesn't help.  When fellow FungDarker, Shawn, mentioned at dinner the other night that he'd gone through all of the Harry Potter series on audio book I thought this would be my best bet of ever "reading" the actual books.  It's cool to see what was left out of the big screen adaptations and I can now say that the books are far superior to the movies.  I've still got a few books left to go but I'm powering through those now. Yep, lately it's been Harry Potter morning, noon and night.  Which I've enjoyed but my wife hasn't been as happy with my Potter "obsession". I don't know what her fucking problem is.  I'll admit that I've been a little obsessive with the Harry Potter books but that's just because they're so fucking good and I'm anxious to finish.  But my wife thinks that I'm beginning to go a little overboard.

The Jesus and Mary Chain (and not the band)

So there is the movie coming out about Jesus fucking Mary, or Mary fucking Jesus, not sure but I would think Jesus would want to try "Reverse Cowgirl" at least once and everybody knows that position gets you "preggers" the best. I guess that Ron Howard made a movie about this already but this one is some sort of documentary or something even though it looks totally fake to me as if Christopher Guest made it. Here is what it be about:

Director Bruce Burgess goes looking for trouble in the way of a Jesus-Mary Magdalene bloodline. In an adventure “worthy of Indiana Jones,” Burgess and team seek out the truth only to find that there are plenty of people who take notice when you start asking all the right questions. [FSR]

 

Umm...the French guy with the hair and eyebrows is totally freaking me the fuck out.

"We have checked your cell phone and its being tapped and the calls are coming from INSIDE the house!!!!"

The Jesus and Mary Chain (and not the band)

So there is the movie coming out about Jesus fucking Mary, or Mary fucking Jesus, not sure but I would think Jesus would want to try "Reverse Cowgirl" at least once and everybody knows that position gets you "preggers" the best. I guess that Ron Howard made a movie about this already but this one is some sort of documentary or something even though it looks totally fake to me as if Christopher Guest made it. Here is what it be about:

Director Bruce Burgess goes looking for trouble in the way of a Jesus-Mary Magdalene bloodline. In an adventure “worthy of Indiana Jones,” Burgess and team seek out the truth only to find that there are plenty of people who take notice when you start asking all the right questions. [FSR]

 

Umm...the French guy with the hair and eyebrows is totally freaking me the fuck out.

"We have checked your cell phone and its being tapped and the calls are coming from INSIDE the house!!!!"

Rated 'A' For Awesome

After my first post on FungDark I expected that my e-mail would be flooded with letters from Hollywood executives offering me multi-billion dollar contracts to write and direct their next big blockbusters. Why not, right? You've read my stuff...I'm pretty awesome. Anyways, I waited and waited and refreshed my inbox constantly and heard nothing. I admit that I was slightly discouraged but not ready to give up. It's been a few months now and several posts later and still nothing.

Well, if Hollywood won't come to me I'll go to them. I figure that maybe the type of writing that's available on FungDark doesn't properly show my screen writing ability. My plan is simple: write a movie that any studio would be crazy to pass on.

Good plan, right? Don't answer that because I already know the answer. Yes, yes it is.

The script isn't quite finished yet but I thought I'd given everyone a little preview. Now keep in mind that this is still a work in progress and I don't want to give too much away but here is the story so far: Two gay lovers (Larry the Cable Guy and Cedric the Entertainer) choose to adopt a mentally challenged child (Jamie Kennedy) but face opposition from a closed minded case worker (Paris Hilton) and a biological mother(Carrot Top) desperate to get her child back. That's a short synopsis but I dare you to tell me that doesn't have Oscar written all over it.

I've sent e-mails to Larry the Cable Guy, Cedric the Entertainer, Jamie Kennedy, Carrot Top and Paris Hilton via their Myspace page but so far I've only heard back from one of them. Larry the Cable Guy is in, he didn't specifically say so but his response was, "Git-R-Done", so I'm taking that as a yes.

Rated 'A' For Awesome

After my first post on FungDark I expected that my e-mail would be flooded with letters from Hollywood executives offering me multi-billion dollar contracts to write and direct their next big blockbusters. Why not, right? You've read my stuff...I'm pretty awesome. Anyways, I waited and waited and refreshed my inbox constantly and heard nothing. I admit that I was slightly discouraged but not ready to give up. It's been a few months now and several posts later and still nothing.

Well, if Hollywood won't come to me I'll go to them. I figure that maybe the type of writing that's available on FungDark doesn't properly show my screen writing ability. My plan is simple: write a movie that any studio would be crazy to pass on.

Good plan, right? Don't answer that because I already know the answer. Yes, yes it is.

The script isn't quite finished yet but I thought I'd given everyone a little preview. Now keep in mind that this is still a work in progress and I don't want to give too much away but here is the story so far: Two gay lovers (Larry the Cable Guy and Cedric the Entertainer) choose to adopt a mentally challenged child (Jamie Kennedy) but face opposition from a closed minded case worker (Paris Hilton) and a biological mother(Carrot Top) desperate to get her child back. That's a short synopsis but I dare you to tell me that doesn't have Oscar written all over it.

I've sent e-mails to Larry the Cable Guy, Cedric the Entertainer, Jamie Kennedy, Carrot Top and Paris Hilton via their Myspace page but so far I've only heard back from one of them. Larry the Cable Guy is in, he didn't specifically say so but his response was, "Git-R-Done", so I'm taking that as a yes.

The Five Best Translations of Donkey

I don't think I can explain in words the countless times throughout the day I am thinking of donkeys. Their majestic beauty and rugged spirit really capture what is good and pure in this crazy world we live in. And fuck me if I want to learn everything I can about these odd-toes ungulates (really). For one they have a pretty sweet nickname... "ass". I mean what thing has ever had a better actual real and "used in the bible even" nickname? Linday Lohan is second runner up with "Whore" but I think "ass" takes the cake, much like my ass after a long night of feltching (nothing soothes suck marks like yellow cake), but I digress...

The Five Best Translations of Donkey

I don't think I can explain in words the countless times throughout the day I am thinking of donkeys. Their majestic beauty and rugged spirit really capture what is good and pure in this crazy world we live in. And fuck me if I want to learn everything I can about these odd-toes ungulates (really). For one they have a pretty sweet nickname... "ass". I mean what thing has ever had a better actual real and "used in the bible even" nickname? Linday Lohan is second runner up with "Whore" but I think "ass" takes the cake, much like my ass after a long night of feltching (nothing soothes suck marks like yellow cake), but I digress...

Zero-Punctuation (Army of Two)

Poor Army of Two, you never stood a chance. This week on Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee rips apart EA's new partner-iffic game that I'm sure was created only so that PMC's can recruit directly from Xbox Live and/or PSN, (though you'll find far fewer candidates on the Playstation Network.)  Check out the video and be sure to tell all your friends.

Zero-Punctuation (Army of Two)

Poor Army of Two, you never stood a chance. This week on Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee rips apart EA's new partner-iffic game that I'm sure was created only so that PMC's can recruit directly from Xbox Live and/or PSN, (though you'll find far fewer candidates on the Playstation Network.)  Check out the video and be sure to tell all your friends.

April Fools Indeed

April Fools Day is without a doubt my least favorite holiday. I think that we should just celebrate Kevin Sorbo Day twice and get rid of April Fools Day all together, we could call it Kevin Sorbo Day Eve. I mean honestly, it's the one day a year that every Tom, Dick, and Harry tries to put one over on 'ol Ajo Mike. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good practical joke just as much as the next guy. Like the time I switched my Grandmother's medication with Flintstones chewable vitamins. After her seizure we laughed and laughed and laughed. But the days of good natured practical jokes are gone my friends. Now the internet has decided to join in on the gag. YouTube, Google, and Egotastic all decided to have a good laugh at everyone's expense today. It's okay, I would expect "those types" to participate in April Fools shenanigans but when websites who I trust as my source of news decided to post fake stories, well, that's where I draw the line. A black guy as the front runner for President? Of the United States! Of America! Nice try Time Magazine. I may have been born but I wasn't born yesterday. You could have at least put some effort into trying to trick me. You should take some tips from my half-sister Theresa. She calls me today and tells me my Dad just died in a plane crash. Hmm, let's see, she never calls and the one time she does she does it on April 1st and tells me some crazy story. Nice try, sis. I'll give her credit though, she was pretty convincing with all the crying and blubbering. Can you believe she even got the news to put on some fake story about a plane crash? My sister the prankster.

April Fools Indeed

April Fools Day is without a doubt my least favorite holiday. I think that we should just celebrate Kevin Sorbo Day twice and get rid of April Fools Day all together, we could call it Kevin Sorbo Day Eve. I mean honestly, it's the one day a year that every Tom, Dick, and Harry tries to put one over on 'ol Ajo Mike. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good practical joke just as much as the next guy. Like the time I switched my Grandmother's medication with Flintstones chewable vitamins. After her seizure we laughed and laughed and laughed. But the days of good natured practical jokes are gone my friends. Now the internet has decided to join in on the gag. YouTube, Google, and Egotastic all decided to have a good laugh at everyone's expense today. It's okay, I would expect "those types" to participate in April Fools shenanigans but when websites who I trust as my source of news decided to post fake stories, well, that's where I draw the line. A black guy as the front runner for President? Of the United States! Of America! Nice try Time Magazine. I may have been born but I wasn't born yesterday. You could have at least put some effort into trying to trick me. You should take some tips from my half-sister Theresa. She calls me today and tells me my Dad just died in a plane crash. Hmm, let's see, she never calls and the one time she does she does it on April 1st and tells me some crazy story. Nice try, sis. I'll give her credit though, she was pretty convincing with all the crying and blubbering. Can you believe she even got the news to put on some fake story about a plane crash? My sister the prankster.