A Open Letter To Anyone Who Will Ever Use Redbox

Dear anyone who will ever use Redbox,

It was just about a year ago that this very blog did a post about how great Redbox is. What's that? You don't know what Redbox is? Let me explain. Up until recently there were two ways you could go about renting movies; you could either a) go to your local video store and rent movies or b) subscribe to Netflix, pay a small subscription fee and have movies mailed to you. Personally, I prefer the latter. Then a third option was introduced and it was called Redbox. Redbox is quite literally a big red box that sits inside (and sometimes outside) most grocery and/or drug stores i.e. Walgreens, Wal-Mart, etc. that you can go to and select the movie you want to see for about a dollar a DVD.

Sounds pretty convenient, right? Well, that's because it is. As I mentioned earlier I personally prefer to use Netflix to rent my movies. It's cheap and easy. The only problem that I see with Netflix is that new releases are often not available for long periods of time. The alternative is to go to the video store, which probably doesn't have the movie you're looking for anyways and if you go on a Friday or Saturday night you will probably have to deal with long lines and annoying assholes. Speaking as a former video store employee there are no shortage of assholes in a video store on a Friday or Saturday night.

Now, for the most part Redbox provides a solution to both problems. They typically have new releases in stock and you shouldn't have to deal with large crowds.  If you look closely at that last sentence you'll see that I put the word "shouldn't" in itallic bold and there is a good reason for that.  

Tonight, I was returning and ONLY returning a DVD that I had rented the night before.  Should be pretty straight forward, right?  Wrong.  I shit you not there was a line 8 people long and it took me twenty minutes to return and only return a DVD.  

Why?  Becasue people are fucking idiots.  Not very eloquent, I know, but it's true.  People are fucking idiots.  

Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I'm a pretty even tempered person.  I don't mind waiting in line.  That is I don't mind waiting in lines so long as some stupid motherfucker in line in front of me is causing the line to move slower than it has to.  

Now, this is where you come in anyone who will ever use Redbox.  It is my belief that there is one - just one - simple rule that every patron of Redbox should, nay, must follow in order to prevent delays for other people who want to use Redbox.

Here it is.  Know what movie or movies you want to rent before you go.   How simple is that?  Pretty simple.  And I know you, the person who is reading this, knows exactly what I am talking about.  How many times have you gone to either rent or return a DVD only to have some stupid bitch in front of you on her cell phone to her boyfriend listing off every single movie that is available.  Not only that but they go into every little detail about the movie down to who they thought they heard was the key grip on the film.  Ugh!!!  Shoot me in the fucking face.

Look, it's not brain surgery people.  If you want to browse go to the video store or use Netflix and browse until you can't browse no more but if you're going to to try and use a Redbox then you need to know what you're going to get ahead of time and if they don't have you first choice then you should already have a backup chosen.  Otherwise it defeats the purpose.  

Let me make it easy for you.  Want to rent a movie tonight using Redbox?  Not sure what is available or what you want to watch?  Go to www.redbox.com and find the movie you want to watch, you can type in your zip code and find the closest Redbox to you that has that movie in stock and even reserve that movie.  

Don't have a computer?  Bullshit!  You're reading this so you must have a computer.

Now, you're probably asking yourself, "but what if there is nobody in line?"  Fine.  Great.  If there is nobody in line behind you and you want to browse through every movie from A - Z then browse until your tits fall off.  But if even one person is in line behind you and you don't plan on following this one simple rule of etiquette then please rent your movie, go home and watch it, enjoy it and then kill yourself and stop wasting everyones time.

Love and Kisses,

Mike